Friday, May 3, 2013

Entry 4





All installments:
123

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TODAY:
     “I’ll find you Time Keeper, and I will make you pay for your sins.  You messed up when you took this beauty from the living.”  My voice was cracking, though I hated the weakness.
      I felt a hand upon my shoulder, and I instantly wanted to turn around and punch the person who decided it was a good idea to touch me, but then I heard the voice.  It was hard and deep, a familiar tune.
      “Phoenix.  Why don’t you go on home and let me handle this investigation?”  It was my partner Rasta....

16 comments:

  1. Intriguing. I don't think Phoenix will just go home and watch DVDs or read a book.

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  2. Probably not a good idea to send Phoenix away how is feeling at the moment. He's liable to do something rash...

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  3. What genre is this? It sounds paranormal, with the "Time Keeper", but I'm curious if it is paranormal or not. I like the snippet, although "I will make you pay for your sins" is maybe not the best way to put it. It kind of misses its impact because it's used so much in TV and books already. I think if you just put "I will make you pay" the impact will be stronger. Really like the rest of the snippet though. :)

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    1. I can agree with that, "pay for your sins" is very clichê. This is suppose to be a kind of noir like The Maltese Falcon or Red Harvest by Dashiell Hammett, but I don't know how well it's going to pull that off since I've never been a detective. It's definitely a trick for me to figure out. I appreciate the feedback!

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  4. I'm a big fan of revenge fiction. (rubbing hands) I'm rooting for Phoenix!

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  5. Phoenix sounds like a very formidable foe. Payback could be hell!

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  6. Super eight. Drop a couple of the I's to tighten. Majanka is right. Make it up.

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  7. Good snippet. Tighten it (You will pay Timekeeper.) and keep going.

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  8. This is my first visit and you've definitely caught my attention. It seems you've captured his emotions well.

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  9. Oh, sure. Phoenix will just take that advice and skip on home. NOT. Nice!

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  10. Oh a noir. I like those! I'm guessing thee Time Keeper is a killer who brands his victim's palms with a symbol? You got something going here. You don't need to be a detective, just do a it of research on the detecting process. You'll get it. Keep at it. :)

    History Sleuth's Writings

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    1. Yeah definitely going to have to do some research a bit for this one. It's going to be a fun project though. Also you are absolutely right about the Time Keeper. ;)

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  11. A lot of emotion blasting from Phoenix, that comes through loud and clear in the writing! Excellent excerpt...

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  12. This is intense... I can feel his anger through the words. I went back and read the previous posts, because I wanted more! Thanks for posting :) I'm eager to read more.

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    1. Awesome, I'm glad you like it so much! I will be posting more next weekend! Keep up the feedback and I will keep writing it.

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  13. Nice excerpt. Interesting and intense.

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