Phoenix: The Time Keeper
My hands slipped deep into my orange trench coat
pockets. They felt warm as a gust of
cool air wafted the breeze about me. My
coat flopped in the wind like the leaves of the autumn trees just down the road
in planted rows along the sidewalk. The
air smelled damp with a metallic copper blend; it felt chilled, but I didn’t
shiver.
"I'm afraid you'll have
to let me handle this one this time Phoenix, you know what Reinerred would
say." He put his arm about my
shoulders and guided me toward his Cherry red Cadillac Eldorado. I didn’t fight him as I opened the car door
and sat in the passenger seat. I watched
as he strode toward the body and I could hear the sirens blaring as a cop car
came out from the alleyway. Authors Note: I enjoy all the wonderful feedback you all have been giving me each week. It has inspired me to continue this story. I will keep working on it as long as you keep giving me feedback. It's just a rough-draft and not the complete version of course, but I hope you wont mind following along as I write it. I will fix up the errors at a later time. If anything is confusing, or doesn't seem to fit through these snippets, please let me know so I can fix it at a later date. Conflicts are inevitably going to occur as I write this.
Also, don't forget you can tweet me @lylathewicked
A couple of things struck me but keep in mind I'm not a noir fan. I'm just remembering from my time spent in the northern and midwestern climes, that the air always smelled fresh and crisp. "The air smelled damp with a metallic copper blend; it felt chilled"...a basement would smell damp because there's no where for the moisture to go, it hangs in the air, so yeah, the blood scent would linger in the air. Outside, probably not so much, unless it was so fresh it was still steaming.
ReplyDeleteAlso, and again, not sure how it would play out with the noir narrative but remember that we have 5 senses...weather can be very evocative in terms of setting, especially the scents and sounds of fall...the coat flopped in the wind so it must have made a snapping noise. Touch, does my hand close over anything in the pocket of my trench coat (for me in Ohio it was those hand warmers...you open the package it warms your pockets up).
As I said, not sure these comments a valid with the whole noir thing and I could be biased because I'm drawn to richer descriptive prose and noir is rather spare for my tastes. But, yeah, I totally get where you're going here.
Your feedback is greatly appreciated. I will keep these in mind as I edit it.
DeleteI have the idea that Phoenix is either private eye, or a gifted (and stylish) 'amateur' and her friend with the car and Reinerred are police detectives? I like the dynamic--she has friends in the force, but not everyone. Brings tension and possibilities.
ReplyDeleteI love noir, by the way, and this passage has, to my ear, the right tone.
Since everyone keeps thinking Phoenix is a lady i should just make Phoenix a lady. Haha. :D
DeleteMy first pub, DESIRE AND DECEPTION, is an erotic thriller very very noir. Not everyone likes noir, so keep that in mind it's an acquired taste like scotch. LOL! I'm enjoying your snippets and the characters.
ReplyDeleteNot everyone likes erotic stuff either, but a lotta people post those too. To be honest, I'm not super fond of them. Regardless though, I read the snippets because I admire the writing. ;) I will have to check out this "Desire and Deception."
DeleteI love noir. You're doing this very well.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate that, I hope you come back next week for some more!
DeleteI enjoyed the snippet. Love noir!
ReplyDeleteGreat! I hope you come back for some more next week!
DeleteIt seemed fine to me also. The air most certainly can smell damp - here in Ontario it is a frequent scent. And yes we have 5 senses. Not every scene utilizes all of them. I liked the caddy by the way
ReplyDeleteYeah, hard to write 8 sentences and include every single sense. I find that a lot of people get stuff on visuals. As I use to myself. So I try to mix it up.
DeleteThe noir is fantastic. I love how you handled the first paragraph. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI'm not normally a noir fan but it's fun to get a taste of it here on your post. Enjoyed the excerpt!
ReplyDeleteYep. You pulled me in. I think it's great. The only sentence that threw me out was "... just down the road in planted rows along the sidewalk." Not because it isn't a great image but because my mind's eyeball was on the character, then had to bounce to the street to see the trees, then back to the character. When actually, you were invoking the sound of the leaves at that point, right?
ReplyDeleteYou really manage to set the scene. It has a real noir feel to it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not very familiar with noir--watching my husband play L.A. Noire is as close as I get, but I like how you're building the character and the suspense for what is to come.
ReplyDeleteYou should check out The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett. It's some excellent Noir, and is one of my inspirations, among others such as films like The Spirit and Sin City.
DeleteI read your other snippets so I didn't think of Phoenix as a female. I would say Phoenix is your rough-around-the-edges noir detective type right? He's not going to like his case taken away so I see some off the grid doing it "his way" scenes going on in this. Lots of potential for him to mess up and get in trouble while he solves the case.
ReplyDeleteI think you're doing just fine with this.
History Sleuth's Writing mysteries.