Saturday, May 11, 2013

Entry 5




Phoenix: The Time Keeper
Previous Installments:
1234



He was a dark fellow in an amethyst tie; his eyes were almost as black as the night.  Across his chin was a deep scar he’d gotten from fighting against a drug dealer named Dorango. 
      He was a kind fellow always trying to watch my back, I hated that.  It wasn't that he wasn't a good partner; I just preferred to work alone.  Now he was telling me to drop this case, to just walk away from my red haired beloved surrounded in a pool of her own red wine.
      "You know I’ve been after The Time Keeper since he took out that blonde hooker, what was her name again? Charlotte Chastity I think."  I said as I stood, spitting up some remaining bile. 



I hope you enjoyed this weeks installment. Come back for more Phoenix next week!  You can tweet me at Lylathewicked.

13 comments:

  1. "He was a kind fellow always trying to watch my back, I hated that."

    Cool line! :)

    Have a fun Sunday!
    Charley

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  2. I like the hard-boiled patois---does his beloved have a cork in her mouth? :)

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  3. Wow! This snippet is outstanding. I was immediately drawn into this one. Great, great job.

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  4. You showed a great deal about the way both characters work in a very short snippet. Impressive!

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  5. Very noire and dark. Effective snippet!

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  6. Very good. Technically he should walk away. He's too involved now. But that also means he probably can't leave it alone because now it's personal.

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  7. Great imagery! "...surrounded in a pool of her own red wine." :-) Good eight. :-)

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  8. Great motivation here for the rest of the story; now that it's personal, you know he's going to do everything he can (probably legal or otherwise) to find her killer. And with his partner watching his back, I'm guessing there'll be a lot of disagreements as to investigative methodology.

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  9. I agree with Ed. I think the person watching his back will really be watching now--and he'll be trying to dodge around it. Very good 8.

    History Sleuth's Writings

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  10. Great noir feeling to this snippet. I love it!

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  11. I like how you use contrast and colors, it makes this snippet very lively.

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